Last week, my therapist and I came to a realization. A tough pill to swallow to say the least, but healing work ain’t easy and that’s what you’re supposed to be doing in therapy, right?
Anyway, after a year and a half of me venting, hitting the lowest of lows and highest of highs, making huge life decision after huge life decision, dealing with my relationship to alcohol, mending broken hearts and really learning to love myself the way I am…she noticed something.
My entire life has been filled with excitement, both positive and negative. Puberty began this desire to be seen and to be heard, but if I’m really being honest with you guys, it began a dire need to “be popular.” Define it how you may, we’ve all been there in school. I hyper-focused all of my energy into be liked and accepted. Now I’m sure you can guess how that went…
After constantly putting all my eggs in one basket, when something didn’t go my way, the “excitement” of striving towards popularity quickly turned into a new discovery; the idea that suicide could take my pain away.
I feel a little iffy using excitement in the same sentence as suicide, but no matter how twisted it might sound, it was something I found myself focusing on, something I began to plan out FOR ME. Something that would ease my pain so I didn’t have to feel. It was something I looked forward to most days.
Now flash forward to a move across the country. Exciting huh? New people, new school, new scenery, AND NOBODY KNEW ME! I could start fresh and begin the life I really wanted all along. Oh the 14-year-old logic…classic Hannah running away from her problems.
That obviously didn’t go the way I thought it would and because of that, I survived throughout high school…barely, but I did. Counting down the days till I graduated.
BOOM. Graduation. And what do I do? I fucking move back to Arizona for my first year in college, which in retrospect was one of my smartest decisions financially (thanks dad) and academically, but psychologically and spiritually, I was, yet again, running away from my problems to search for the next new exciting adventure whilst encountering a whole new array of problems to add to the list.
After my freshman year of college, I really began to find my niche within psychology. This led to my new distraction. You wouldn’t think school being a distraction would be a BAD thing. I was an excellent student ready to learn and willing to do what it took to be Summa Cum Laude and The Most Outstanding Psychology Student (not to brag), but reflection has shown me how I negatively used school to distract from the deep-rooted trauma and healing that needed to be done.
Covid was the next big thing in the world right before I graduated. After graduation, I had an amazing opportunity presented to me to work for an incredible company and it was all online! What better to do during the months in quarantine than start your own business! I had no idea what I was signing up for, but it was something that would change my life for the better.
But wait, distraction.
Becoming a dancer, distraction.
Coming out of the closet, distraction.
Getting another cat, distraction.
Getting married, distraction.
Getting a dog, distraction.
Getting a bunch of plants, distraction.
And now here we are. Coming to the realization that MY ENTIRE LIFE, my normal has been this idea of “being on a high.” Whether this is in the literal sense, or the sense of looking forward to something for so long and then it finally coming and then the excitement dies down and then I’m depressed until I find another thing to hyper-focus on and put all my energy and excitement into.
I’ve forgotten to find beauty in the mundane. In the every day. I became so used to going going going that I NEVER learned how to stop, appreciate, and reflect on where I’m at and what emotions I’m experiencing. There truly is so much beauty in my every day life. I have a beautiful home with my selfless, loving husband. I have a beautiful step-daughter who I love and adore and who loves me back. I have three adorable fur babies who always know how to make me smile. I have family and friends who would bend over backwards for me.
I could go on and on, but the point is, the things I experience every single day in my life are the most beautiful. Those are the things that fill my tank so why in the world would I not take some time, as long as I feel I need, to just appreciate the mundane. To not focus on where to move next or what my next big purchase will be, but to just be.
Wow this was a long one huh? I had no idea where I was going with it either, but hey! We did the damn thing! At 2AM because what even is my sleep schedule right now. Anywho, I really feel like this post was more of a journal entry than anything and thats really what I want my blog to be. My experiences and the lessons I’ve learned/am learning from them. I always find it so comforting when I meet someone who just knows. IYKYK right? So maybe you feel like this resonated, maybe it didn’t, but we could all use a little perspective sometimes ya know?
Thanks for popping in, the pleasure is ALWAYS mine 🙂
Make the intention now to just be today. Ground yourself, experience all emotions; good or bad, and find beauty in your everyday life, I promise it’s there!
Blessings, xo ❥
** I created a cute phone wallpaper with this affirmation so you can be reminded of it all day! Click on the italicized affirmation above to screenshot and use! 🙂